grimmdark | Four knitted scarves

Four knitted scarves

916 Bilko Boulevard, Accidental Phonecall. Unfiltered. Open to housemates

*the phone picks up mid-conversation, as if it's been knocked off the hook by clumsy teenagers Rose's voice comes from not too far.*

I still cannot believe we are doing this. Enjoyable as it might be, I must admit I still have some reservations about it.

Rose, I assure you your reservations are wholly misplaced. I have done this many, many times before, and it has ...almost always resulted in the full enjoyment of all involved parties.

*Rose scoffs a little, but wait, was that a hint of a giggle underneat?* I will give that much to you; you are quite skilled with your hands. I stand here jealous at this discovery...this is really nice though.

*There's the sound of shifting, and Kanaya almost sounds as though she has something in her mouth when she speaks next.* Sweeps of practice have rendered my digital manipulators quite dextrous, yes - and I'm quite pleased to hear that you're finding this to your liking. But as promised, no word of this liason shall ever pass my lips.

If I may ask you to hold as still as possible, Rose? This next part will be rather tight.

While I graciously accepted your request to lend myself to your ways, I must admit I haven't grown to like the fact you are handling me like a rag do-

*Rose's complain is cut as she gasps, and then speaks in a rather mortified tone*

That is...rather tight. My back will be reminding me of this with unforgiving soreness later

*And for her part, Kanaya does sound very apologetic.* I'm quite sorry, but I believe it's for the best to handle the worst of the discomfort at the beginning. I give the full weight of my word that it will be exponentially more agreeable - even satisfying - from this point on.

But please continue to hold still. I would feel very displeased with myself were I to inadvertently scratch you.

So you say. Perhaps it's because you are doing all the work. I feel as if I should probably take the matter into my own hands, but then that would mean you would be but an spectator. Either way one of us is left to watch.

*Rose's tone takes a degree of amusement*A scratch? Not for a lack of effort. I've been holding my breath at every "Hold Still" by now.

I would really rather engage with you directly than to be a mere observer of this flourishing radiance and beauty alike. It simply wouldn't be suitable. And besides, you're certainly a participant rather than a spectator, even if it's a far more passive role than you might prefer. I'm afraid I can't allow you to domineer our interactions every time.

But only a little further, and-- *And then there's a surprised intake of air as somebody notices the displaced phone and moves to hang up. Oops.*

*Somebody hasn't seen the phone yet*

Kanaya? Kanaya Mayram, don't you dare leaving me here without taking proper care of my clothes-

*And so ends the rather strange call*

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[Holy shit this would be hilarious if it didn't involve Rose wait maybe that makes it more hilarious he's not sure THIS IS REALLY-

Wait. Cool it bro. Gotta be iced like a latte in a college student's grubby hands when they should be studying not out drinking overpriced bean water. After monsters in the closet and already changing the past to save the future, there is no possible way this is actually what it sounds like. That is just the truth of how life works and has nothing to do with a river in Egypt.]

Awesome so were you like, getting a massage or some other innocuous event? Is that what's happening? Can I get one? Does that even work on birds?

There were no consistent kneading or percussive yet relaxing blows involved at any point. And even in the event that there were, it seems to me that you would be entirely too small to benefit without suffering damage as a result.

[...the universe is out to troll him with your word choice, kanaya, he knows it]

Alright then, what happened since it clearly was nothing indecent or involving blatant interspecies relations of the kind that would make Karkat explode, not there there's any kind of interspecies relationship that wouldn't.

I have promised Rose to keep these events a secret between the two of us, so unfortunately I cannot divulge that information. However I can assure you that it was nothing of the sort you suppose.

But I'm supposing it's not what someone else might suppose so you're saying it might be what they'd suppose and not what I supposed which was something completely innocent that just happened to sound like totally illicit physical relationships?

I suppose that's possible, though given what I know of you it is also fairly improbable. And further given the final insinuation you have put forth just now, I am relatively certain of just what it was that you initially believed.

You mean what everyone else initially believed; I knew it had to be something else or y'all woulda hung up and freaked out after talking for two seconds.

...all right, I'll grant that as a logical supposition.

Since I guess you can't tell me what you were doing besides giving out massages or making the beast with however many backs might be involved in interspecies relations, I have to ask since when did you two get so close?

[Yeah he'd spy on Dave's conversations with Rose but it's not like he ever monitored (or even could) her conversations with anyone else or following her around MF; he's mostly been making sure Harley and Egbert stay out of trouble; Rose can handle herself]

The two of us spoke often during your human session of Sgrub, though thanks to a fascinating temporal paradox I would really rather not get into I was acquainted with her and her work long before we had ever heard of humans - indeed, preceding even our creation of your universe.

And upon meeting face to face in this human hivecluster our friendship naturally only deepened.

Oh, so weird time shit again, I get that. It was kind of like that with Terezi and me. Well, Alpha-me mostly but I helped get the ball rolling on one end while she got him to get it rolling on the other end of this mobius time strip.

"Naturally only deepened?" Wow that just sounded super gay which I just remembered means nothing to you guys.

The only definition for the terminology in question that I can think of relates to being rather happy or pleased. By that standard, then yes, I suppose it was super gay indeed.

My suspension of disbelief is being tested that I am actually hearing someone say that and I am a goddamn magical talking orange crow so that says something.

You should go tell Rose how super gay your deepening relationship is.

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chastesaw - 2011-11-19 06:56 (UTC) - Expand

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nolongeralpha.livejournal.com - 2011-11-19 08:57 (UTC) - Expand

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chastesaw - 2011-11-20 17:30 (UTC) - Expand

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nolongeralpha.livejournal.com - 2011-11-22 23:20 (UTC) - Expand

It's far less complicated than that.

Will you keep a secret?

[Yeah she's willing to tell this one. Because what's the point on keeping stuff from him anyway?]

[Sudden honesty wtf that's not how these jokes go. Sure glad these iShades don't telecast the puzzled head cock he just did]

Uh, sure. [Unless it's sufficiently hilarious then we go into negotiations]

Kanaya Maryam is making a dress for me. As in, as you might know, making a dress as we spoke moments ago. Surely the converastion taken out of context will feed the fetishes of a wide range of beings, but I bed to point the fact nothing is actually transpiring out of this, beyond the already stated dress making.

[All the shame, yes.]

[....

heh.]

Girly-girl. You must have so much pent up girl-time living up in the ass end of almost Canada with your only female friend living off on crazy grandpa and hellbeast island on the other side of the world.

You face the imminent threat of being roasted well done if you ever think to caw in the wrong tone about this.

Do I have you trust?

[...or else?]

Alright, geez, don't try to put me on the menu for Thanksgiving no one wants to be eating crow.

I'm sure I will find someone who will.

It would be a shame to let the ironically high quality meat to go to waste.

Is she blind? I bet she's blind.

So you got talked into dress-modeling by Capital Letters Troll, huh? I have to admit I didn't really keep track of which ones knew you since you didn't keep need rescuing from them like Dumb and Dumbess.

I do not require any rescue nor aid of any shape and or form. This was a mutual agreement of sorts, out of which I get better clothes and she gets...someone to dress up.

It's that simple.

I could totally make fun of you guys for that and make it sound creepy but she made me a sweet little bird suit for homecoming so I'll hold back the wave of sick burns I could potentially unleash like a horde of hungry beggars on an all-you-can-eat buffet, they just keep lining up at the door but I'm like "no man, we don't do that the people who make sweet suits" and keep 'em all back with flamethrowers, though the fuel will probably run out like my gratitude in a few weeks and I'll just be all "fuck it beggars, have at" and let the burning hobo horde in and the next thing you know you're covered in flaming unwashed flesh and that's why you got all these sick burns.

Surely I will find a way to placate your hungry beggars in two weeks time then. Were I to fail I suppose the burns would be deserved, as much as I would wish to remain free of unnecessary skin irritations and the such.

Yeah, your modeling career would pretty much go right down the drain at that point; I'm pretty sure the world isn't ready for burn-victim fashion, especially not back in the fifties.

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